Now I'm Calmer

Now i've calmed down I can follow on from my earlier post.... Today I decided I would log onto the dating site I met S on. I get constant emails from it which are annoying so I wanted to see if there was a way I could delete my account. While on there I thought I would have a quick look at the pictures on S page. Now deep down I knew this was a bad idea. What if I saw something on there I didn't like? So anyway I find him and in the last week or so he's added a new picture of himself. My stomach literally dropped. To me it was quite clear. He's still an active user on POF. Now i'm sure you're all thinking what's the problem, you're just dating. And you know you're totally right on that count. We are just dating, I have no rights to tell him who he can see, talk to etc. Doesn't mean it didn't bother me. I'm insecure at the best of times but the thought of him talking to slimmer girls, prettier girls, funnier girls, possibly meeting up with them really bothered me. Naturally I told him what I came across and how it made me feel. His response was interesting but basically he enjoys the attention. Seriously wtf. Do I not give him enough of that? He went on to explain a few things which I won't put on here as that's his personal business but still my head was all over the place. I know we're only dating and maybe I didnt have the right to pull him up but I am not comfortable with dating multiple people and I don't want to be involved with him if thats what he's doing. I don't want to be competing for his attention and affection. I don't want to be wondering if i'm second, third, forth etc best. I don't think that's being unreasonable or anything. It's just not something I want and actually yes, I do think I have the right to feel that way. So I basically said all this to him. That if he wants to date other people thats fine but tell me now because then i'll stop this and back off before I get hurt. He says to this that he's not dating anyone but me and he has no intention of doing so. I don't know how to feel if i'm honest. I am hurt, i'm upset but then on the other hand he hasn't done anything. He's not my boyfriend. If he wants to remain on a dating website then who am I to tell him otherwise? I guess i'll have to deal with that and accept this as one of the downsides of dating :(

Jesus F***ing Christ

Do you know when you go to do something and you know you're probably not going to like the outcome but you do it anyway and then end up kicking yourself? Well yeah, i've just had one of those moments. I'm so angry, so upset right now. I'd almost say humiliated. I can't even bring myself to blog about what has happened. I'll try again later but right now I need chocolate, crap telly and my sofa :'(

My Need For Plans

I hate not having concrete plans with people. Like really hate it. If a friend suggests we get together soon for a coffee and gossip, I want to know place, time, date etc. I really dislike waiting to hear back from someone or making last minute arrangements. I've always been like this but more so in the last few years. Maybe it comes from being a mum and the need to be organised? So you can imagine my sheer irritation at not having any firm plans with S. I don't think i've mentioned what he does have I? He's an internet marketer. I'm still trying to figure out what this entails but anyway he works for himself so to say he's busy is abit of an understatement. He has some launch coming up next week which is taking up all of his time and he's working until the early hours of the morning. So obviously he hasn't really got the time to see me this week. If he took a few hours out it's not like he has a colleague who could fill in for him and keep things going. It's all his responsibility. So my logic mind knows this is why we have no plans. My logic mind knows he's not snubbing me or giving me the cold shoulder but my anxious stupid mind says different. This silly little part of me keeps fighting against my logic and telling me that he's making excuses and he has no intention of seeing me. It's ridiculous. I am such a douche bag sometimes :/ The last week I've been really trying to deal with my anxiety. When I feel i'm about to have a moment I stop, deep breaths and try to regain my composure. I keep reminding myself daily that if he wasn't interested I wouldn't even hear from him. Seriously Kelly, chill out. Just getting my thoughts out on here really does help. It's like free therapy.

The Rules Of Dating

I've finally snapped out of this mornings awful mood so i'm now ready to blog something interesting and intelligent (I do like to blow my own trumpet haha) Ok so since I've been dating S I've been thinking lots about the so called rules of dating. S is actually the first person I would say I've really dated so i'm pretty new to this dating lark. All my past relationships have either grown from friendships or have resulted from some serious flirty banter texts following a drunken night out when I was young and brimming with self confidence. But this I think is proper grown up dating. I touched upon how I met him before (internet dating) so he really is someone new in my life that i'm getting to know over time. I hate it. Like really hate it. I don't mean I hate getting to know him, not at all. That i'm massively enjoying. I mean I hate the whole uncertainty of dating. How often should you see each other? Is it ok to initiate the conversation? Blah Blah Blah So naturally I've Googled the rules of dating and there are literally hundreds and thousands of websites offering their take on the 'rules' For example, hands up if you've heard of the 3-1 rule? Nope I haven't. But apparently it's where you initiate contact up to 3 times in a row and then you leave them to contact you. If they don't initiate it with you after that or during that period then apparently they just aren't that into you. Really? Is this for real? Do women listen to this? I mean I kind of understand it, if someone likes you, you'll hear from them in time. But to put a time scale on it is abit pressurizing is it not? I'm naturally a very chatty person so 80% of the time I initiate conversation with everyone in my life. Be it S, my mum, my best friend etc etc. I don't fancy some rule making me feel uncomfortable about texting someone first. What struck me while doing my 'research' was all the conflicting advice. Some websites encourage the woman to take control. Apparently a woman who is happy to suggest meeting up, say how she feels is sexy. Other websites say there is nothing worse than a woman who does this and she should sit back and wait for the man. Gahhhh seriously, my head was just more confused after reading all this. I am still none the wiser as to what is acceptable and that majorly sucks. I think if I wasn't such an anxious person it wouldn't be so bad but as you all know, I just love to overthink. Tonight for example I was wondering if S is dating other people asides from me. Was it ok to ask him this? By asking him am I making myself look silly? What if he says yes he is? How will that make me feel? Anyway I asked him and he isn't which I think is good? I mean obviously i'm glad as I don't think I would be comfortable with him seeing other women but again do I even have the right to feel like that?? I just have no idea what's what :/

Monday Blues. . . .

Today is a bad day :( I've woken up in a terrible mood for some unknown reason. I'm tearful and anxious. It sucks. I can't even be bothered to blog properly even though I have loads to say I'll try and blog later if I snap out of this bad mood :(

You Said What?!

Sometimes I wonder if I was actually born with any brains. Last night it was date night with S. We had cinema plans and he came over early evening so we could catch up before the film. That was fine, got on great as usual. Went and grabbed some food, crapped ourselves watching Sinister (seriously he jumped as much a me)and then went back to mine again for abit after. So really it was a successful evening until I opened my big mouth. I am actually cringing thinking about what happened as he went to leave. For some unknown reason I asked him where did he see 'us' going. Why oh why did I ask this? It came out totally wrong. In my head I wanted to know if this is something that he would like to develop over time. Instead it came out like I was asking if I was his girlfriend now after only meeting up a few times. I could feel myself start to flush and avoided his eye contact. I started to ramble and try and claw at my remaining bit of dignity. He was sweet and said something along the lines of we don't need to rush things and he likes me. Today I woke up feeling awful. I was totally convinced he would be thinking i'm a total nut job who wants a relationship after a few dates so I obviously text him explaining what I had actually mean last night and bless him he said he totally understood what I meant and no I haven't ruined anything. Phewwwww. Panic over. I've definitely learnt what not to say on a date

The Diary Of A Submissive

Before you get excited, todays blog post isn't about me. I'm not talking about my diary and i'm not a submissive ;) I'm a proper book geek so I thought i'd review my latest read. The Diary Of A Submissive is journalist, Sophie Morgans memoir on what it is to be a submissive. It's a real life Fifty Shades of Grey. First published in August 2012 hot on the trail of so called mum porn I picked this up in Asda yesterday as I wanted to read something over the weekend. Well I started reading at 1pm and had finished by 9pm. If I hadn't of needed to stop for toilet breaks, general mum duties I would of easily finished it even quicker! It's definitely an addictive read. In comparison to Fifty Shades of Grey it is written a million times better ( although the grammar police in me picked up on a couple of mistakes ;) ) There was none of that awful repetitive language that was seen in Fifty thankfully and no cringy phrases. Was it sexy? Yes I think it was, nearly every page had a sexy tale but it didn't have the shock factor. I wasn't shocked by anything that was written and I don 't feel it's overly filthy which in all honesty was what I was looking for *blush* It was all rather tame. Just your usual spanking, hair pulling and being tied up. Hardly hugely kinky and nothing I haven't read before. Unfortunately the ending definitely let the author down. I felt the last few chapters were rushed and a big cliche. The sub gets her happy ever after with her dom. Surprise, surprise! I did however still really enjoy this. It kept me entertained for a few hours and i'm really interested to see if Sophie Morgan does a follow up in a year or so. I'm genuinely interested to see if the sub/dom relationship can be sustained over a long period within a normal day to day relationship. The Diary Of A Submissive can be purchased from here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diary-Submissive-True-Story/dp/1405910631/ref=sr_1_1_title_0_main?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1350027948&sr=1-1