Now I'm Calmer

Now i've calmed down I can follow on from my earlier post.... Today I decided I would log onto the dating site I met S on. I get constant emails from it which are annoying so I wanted to see if there was a way I could delete my account. While on there I thought I would have a quick look at the pictures on S page. Now deep down I knew this was a bad idea. What if I saw something on there I didn't like? So anyway I find him and in the last week or so he's added a new picture of himself. My stomach literally dropped. To me it was quite clear. He's still an active user on POF. Now i'm sure you're all thinking what's the problem, you're just dating. And you know you're totally right on that count. We are just dating, I have no rights to tell him who he can see, talk to etc. Doesn't mean it didn't bother me. I'm insecure at the best of times but the thought of him talking to slimmer girls, prettier girls, funnier girls, possibly meeting up with them really bothered me. Naturally I told him what I came across and how it made me feel. His response was interesting but basically he enjoys the attention. Seriously wtf. Do I not give him enough of that? He went on to explain a few things which I won't put on here as that's his personal business but still my head was all over the place. I know we're only dating and maybe I didnt have the right to pull him up but I am not comfortable with dating multiple people and I don't want to be involved with him if thats what he's doing. I don't want to be competing for his attention and affection. I don't want to be wondering if i'm second, third, forth etc best. I don't think that's being unreasonable or anything. It's just not something I want and actually yes, I do think I have the right to feel that way. So I basically said all this to him. That if he wants to date other people thats fine but tell me now because then i'll stop this and back off before I get hurt. He says to this that he's not dating anyone but me and he has no intention of doing so. I don't know how to feel if i'm honest. I am hurt, i'm upset but then on the other hand he hasn't done anything. He's not my boyfriend. If he wants to remain on a dating website then who am I to tell him otherwise? I guess i'll have to deal with that and accept this as one of the downsides of dating :(

Jesus F***ing Christ

Do you know when you go to do something and you know you're probably not going to like the outcome but you do it anyway and then end up kicking yourself? Well yeah, i've just had one of those moments. I'm so angry, so upset right now. I'd almost say humiliated. I can't even bring myself to blog about what has happened. I'll try again later but right now I need chocolate, crap telly and my sofa :'(

My Need For Plans

I hate not having concrete plans with people. Like really hate it. If a friend suggests we get together soon for a coffee and gossip, I want to know place, time, date etc. I really dislike waiting to hear back from someone or making last minute arrangements. I've always been like this but more so in the last few years. Maybe it comes from being a mum and the need to be organised? So you can imagine my sheer irritation at not having any firm plans with S. I don't think i've mentioned what he does have I? He's an internet marketer. I'm still trying to figure out what this entails but anyway he works for himself so to say he's busy is abit of an understatement. He has some launch coming up next week which is taking up all of his time and he's working until the early hours of the morning. So obviously he hasn't really got the time to see me this week. If he took a few hours out it's not like he has a colleague who could fill in for him and keep things going. It's all his responsibility. So my logic mind knows this is why we have no plans. My logic mind knows he's not snubbing me or giving me the cold shoulder but my anxious stupid mind says different. This silly little part of me keeps fighting against my logic and telling me that he's making excuses and he has no intention of seeing me. It's ridiculous. I am such a douche bag sometimes :/ The last week I've been really trying to deal with my anxiety. When I feel i'm about to have a moment I stop, deep breaths and try to regain my composure. I keep reminding myself daily that if he wasn't interested I wouldn't even hear from him. Seriously Kelly, chill out. Just getting my thoughts out on here really does help. It's like free therapy.

The Rules Of Dating

I've finally snapped out of this mornings awful mood so i'm now ready to blog something interesting and intelligent (I do like to blow my own trumpet haha) Ok so since I've been dating S I've been thinking lots about the so called rules of dating. S is actually the first person I would say I've really dated so i'm pretty new to this dating lark. All my past relationships have either grown from friendships or have resulted from some serious flirty banter texts following a drunken night out when I was young and brimming with self confidence. But this I think is proper grown up dating. I touched upon how I met him before (internet dating) so he really is someone new in my life that i'm getting to know over time. I hate it. Like really hate it. I don't mean I hate getting to know him, not at all. That i'm massively enjoying. I mean I hate the whole uncertainty of dating. How often should you see each other? Is it ok to initiate the conversation? Blah Blah Blah So naturally I've Googled the rules of dating and there are literally hundreds and thousands of websites offering their take on the 'rules' For example, hands up if you've heard of the 3-1 rule? Nope I haven't. But apparently it's where you initiate contact up to 3 times in a row and then you leave them to contact you. If they don't initiate it with you after that or during that period then apparently they just aren't that into you. Really? Is this for real? Do women listen to this? I mean I kind of understand it, if someone likes you, you'll hear from them in time. But to put a time scale on it is abit pressurizing is it not? I'm naturally a very chatty person so 80% of the time I initiate conversation with everyone in my life. Be it S, my mum, my best friend etc etc. I don't fancy some rule making me feel uncomfortable about texting someone first. What struck me while doing my 'research' was all the conflicting advice. Some websites encourage the woman to take control. Apparently a woman who is happy to suggest meeting up, say how she feels is sexy. Other websites say there is nothing worse than a woman who does this and she should sit back and wait for the man. Gahhhh seriously, my head was just more confused after reading all this. I am still none the wiser as to what is acceptable and that majorly sucks. I think if I wasn't such an anxious person it wouldn't be so bad but as you all know, I just love to overthink. Tonight for example I was wondering if S is dating other people asides from me. Was it ok to ask him this? By asking him am I making myself look silly? What if he says yes he is? How will that make me feel? Anyway I asked him and he isn't which I think is good? I mean obviously i'm glad as I don't think I would be comfortable with him seeing other women but again do I even have the right to feel like that?? I just have no idea what's what :/

Monday Blues. . . .

Today is a bad day :( I've woken up in a terrible mood for some unknown reason. I'm tearful and anxious. It sucks. I can't even be bothered to blog properly even though I have loads to say I'll try and blog later if I snap out of this bad mood :(

You Said What?!

Sometimes I wonder if I was actually born with any brains. Last night it was date night with S. We had cinema plans and he came over early evening so we could catch up before the film. That was fine, got on great as usual. Went and grabbed some food, crapped ourselves watching Sinister (seriously he jumped as much a me)and then went back to mine again for abit after. So really it was a successful evening until I opened my big mouth. I am actually cringing thinking about what happened as he went to leave. For some unknown reason I asked him where did he see 'us' going. Why oh why did I ask this? It came out totally wrong. In my head I wanted to know if this is something that he would like to develop over time. Instead it came out like I was asking if I was his girlfriend now after only meeting up a few times. I could feel myself start to flush and avoided his eye contact. I started to ramble and try and claw at my remaining bit of dignity. He was sweet and said something along the lines of we don't need to rush things and he likes me. Today I woke up feeling awful. I was totally convinced he would be thinking i'm a total nut job who wants a relationship after a few dates so I obviously text him explaining what I had actually mean last night and bless him he said he totally understood what I meant and no I haven't ruined anything. Phewwwww. Panic over. I've definitely learnt what not to say on a date

The Diary Of A Submissive

Before you get excited, todays blog post isn't about me. I'm not talking about my diary and i'm not a submissive ;) I'm a proper book geek so I thought i'd review my latest read. The Diary Of A Submissive is journalist, Sophie Morgans memoir on what it is to be a submissive. It's a real life Fifty Shades of Grey. First published in August 2012 hot on the trail of so called mum porn I picked this up in Asda yesterday as I wanted to read something over the weekend. Well I started reading at 1pm and had finished by 9pm. If I hadn't of needed to stop for toilet breaks, general mum duties I would of easily finished it even quicker! It's definitely an addictive read. In comparison to Fifty Shades of Grey it is written a million times better ( although the grammar police in me picked up on a couple of mistakes ;) ) There was none of that awful repetitive language that was seen in Fifty thankfully and no cringy phrases. Was it sexy? Yes I think it was, nearly every page had a sexy tale but it didn't have the shock factor. I wasn't shocked by anything that was written and I don 't feel it's overly filthy which in all honesty was what I was looking for *blush* It was all rather tame. Just your usual spanking, hair pulling and being tied up. Hardly hugely kinky and nothing I haven't read before. Unfortunately the ending definitely let the author down. I felt the last few chapters were rushed and a big cliche. The sub gets her happy ever after with her dom. Surprise, surprise! I did however still really enjoy this. It kept me entertained for a few hours and i'm really interested to see if Sophie Morgan does a follow up in a year or so. I'm genuinely interested to see if the sub/dom relationship can be sustained over a long period within a normal day to day relationship. The Diary Of A Submissive can be purchased from here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diary-Submissive-True-Story/dp/1405910631/ref=sr_1_1_title_0_main?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1350027948&sr=1-1

Mr Grey . . . .And No It's Not What You Think!

So Mr Grey is the name on everyones lips at the moment. We've all read the books ( awful language, repetitive and not at all kinky in my opinion) and every single lady I know wants there very own Mr Grey. Well i'm lucky, I do have one! Except he's of the 4 legged variety - My gorgeous 3 month old kitten. He's not even grey. He's a big fluffy ball of black and I adore him. I've never been a big animal lover really. I've always had pets over the years. There was my black lab Sam, my rabbit Bang Bang ohhh and not forgetting my set of kittens, Dolce, Gabbana, Princess and Prada. I liked these animals, don't get me wrong, but I was never the cooing type over them. I wasn't an animal mummy at all! But Mr Grey is different. I find myself doing that really annoying baby voice I normally save for other peoples newborns and referring to him as my baby boy. I've even started to allow him to sleep on my bed, curled up next to me. And yes, I do refer to myself as mummy when i'm talking to him. I am totally crazy about him. I definitely think becoming a mum has mellowed me and made me appreciate the small things. He follows me around the house, even to the bathroom and he answers me when I call him. I hate hearing him cry when I go out. He's turned me into a total sop. I'm even considering him getting him a friend. Hmmm maybe if things don't work out with me and S I can become one of those mad cat ladies ;)

I Really Am An Idiot

Yeah like the title says, I really am an idiot :/ Last night I had yet another awful attack of anxiety. I decided i'd message S and say goodnight and no reply. At first I thought oh he's busy, then that soon changed to he's crashed his car (seriously why on earth would I think that) Then finally it moved to he's with another girl. It become so real in my head. I was totally convinced I was right. It was horrible. When I get anxious it's not just a thought process, it also manifests itself physically. My chest feels tight, I go all flushed and my head hurts. This went on for a few hours, where I was playing all these ridiculous scenarios in my head, winding myself up more and more. Anyway obviously I was wrong. He wasn't dead in a ditch, ignoring me or with a skinny supermodel. He was busy. Duhh. Obviously. I'm so annoyed with myself for again getting myself into this state. I then went on to have the worst nights sleep. Firstly I couldn't shut off. Then when I finally did C decide 3am was a great time to wake up and my kitten Mr Grey wanted to join in the fun. I've slept for less than an hour since then. I'm exhausted hence the reason why i'm letting my girls have cookies for breakfast while I lay on the sofa pouring coffee down my throat. But today is a new day. I will fight this anxiety that is already threatening to spill over and take over my day and it's not even 10am. I am armed with herbal remedies and positive thoughts. I'm going to go buy a new book this afternoon and lose myself in that for a few hours. I'm stronger than this emotion and I won't let it ruin anything for me anymore

A Positive Start

Today i've woken up feeling a little better about the whole dating situation. I know I need to relax and enjoy it so that's what i'm going to do. I think. I hope..... No seriously, for the sake of my mental health I need to chill out. Anxiety is horrible and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm 24 (ok nearly 25) i'm still so young with my whole life ahead of me. The way I talk sometimes you would think i'm way past ever meeting anyone which logically I know is ridiculous. The problem with me is that I get attached to people quickly. Not just men, I mean anyone and that in turn leads to me getting hurt when they turn out to be something different to what I had built in my head. I've seen so many people come and go from my life, boyfriends, family, friends. I'm sick of it. Not just for me but for my girls too. So I won't lie, today i've already checked my phone a 100 times to see if I have a Whats App message from S. I've wondered what's he doing, has he thought about me, is he looking forward to seeing me. This needs to stop. He knows about my anxiety, I figured it best to tell him as I didn't want him to think i'm nuts. I guess the fact that he hasn't run for the hills is a good thing. Oh shitting hell i'm rambling again.......... Right ok, today i'm just going to get on with things. Keep busy, not over analyze and if needs be release my feelings on here. So ciao for now :)

So Here's My Rant :D

Ok, well a few years ago now I used to blog alot. Literally all the time. I found it such a good way to empty out my head but over time I found myself needing to blog less and less. By no means did my life become any easier, no way, I guess I just learnt to cope better but now i'm going through a stage in my life where I need to talk. I have friends I can talk to and I love them dearly but sometimes I feel like all I do is moan at them or I find myself sugar coating my latest worry as I don't want them to be concerned for me. So I guess that's what brings me to now. Sitting here on a Tuesday evening, holding back the tears, munching a huge bar of chocolate and trying to decide what I need to get off my chest first - I'll tell you a little about me before I start. I'm a single mum to 2 amazing little princesses. M is my feisty, clever 4 year old. She is a total mini me and she's the reason I grew up and kissed my party girl lifestyle goodbye. C is my uber cute 10 month old. She is just amazing. I look at her and my eyes fill with tears still. She's a gorgeous blonde, chubby bubba. I'm proud of them both, I wouldn't change them for the world but they have definitely put my life on hold for now. Before I had M I was out all the time. Drinking and dancing the night away with my equally wild friends and boyfriend. Career wise I didn't know what I wanted to do long term but my pub job suited my lifestyle at the time. I was paid to party really. Getting pregnant was a huge shock. I think I knew I was pregnant really early on but I couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge it until I was nearly 12 weeks gone. Those first few months were some of the worst of my life. My boyfriends reaction was to walk out of the door and never come back once he realised I was going through with having M. To say I didn't take him leaving me well is an understatement. I didn't think it was possible to hurt so bad. It took me a long long time to emotionally recover from that. I found being a mum came so natural once my 5lb 8oz princess arrived. I think I shocked everyone with how maternal I was. M and I plodded along quite happily together for the next few years. I had the odd relationship here and there but it was pretty much just me and my girl. Then along came S. He was a good friend, someone I had known for years. Out of the blue he announced that he had always 'liked' me. I was shocked, I mean i'd known this guy since I was 18 and I had no idea. I was flattered however and thought to myself, he's a nice guy, I enjoy his company so i'll give it a go. So we dated. It was nice. It was comfortable. But he never made my heart go mad or my tummy flip. However I decided to ignore all that, I thought maybe I would grow to be crazy about him.........It wasn't long before I was holding that positive test again. This time I thought it would be different. S loved me, he loved M. We could work. We would never be Romeo & Juliet but we had a good foundation to build on. You can imagine my shock when he walked out then. He was delighted when I told him I was pregnant. He couldn't stop going on about our baby, our future etc. So to this day I still don't know what happened. I definitely pin point that day as being the one when I lost that last bit of confidence. For a man to leave you while you're pregnant and oh so vulnerable is devastating. For it to happen a second time is soul destroying. To this day I find myself asking what must be wrong with me? Am I not good enough for anyone? Is my company not that good to keep? Am I boring, fat, ugly? Something must be wrong if neither of them wanted me. This way of thinking has ruined me. I have low self esteem, i'm anxious, clingy and to an extent, needy. Now all this leads me nicely into what has been bothering me today - Dating and The Single (zero confidence) Mum - So meeting men as a single mum is near on impossible. I don't really go out on nights out anymore but when I do i'm out to have fun, not chat to drunken men. I dislike men that approach me when i'm with my babies, Nothing worse than being in Asda admiring the fruit and veg when a sweaty man leers at you and tells you you're hot in front of your 4 year old who now wants to know who that man is and why did he say you're hot? So these little facts led me to the world of internet dating. I figured in this day and age it's a perfectly acceptable thing to do. People haven't the time to be going out and meeting others but sending a message and a flirty wink takes 2 seconds. So I created a profile on plentyoffish.com. I wasn't fake at all. I was a 100% honest about my situation and uploaded a couple of recent, normal pictures of myself. I was quite surprised by the big response I got. I was genuinely flattered as I look in the mirror each day and want to cry in all honesty. Most of the responses however did nothing for me. They were either a very dull, 'hi how are you' or a more direct 'you're fit, fancy a fcuk' There were a few decent replies so I got into conversation with them. The one i'm going to tell you about is S. I can't even remember now what he messaged me but he obviously got my attention. We messaged back and forth an swapped numbers and then spent the next few days Whats App'ing. Then he went quiet. So I went quiet too. That was that but randomly over a week ago I thought oh I wonder how S is. I'll message him. So I did and the conversation starts up again with ease. He's funny, intelligent and nice looking so when he suggests popping over I decide to go for it. I didn't start internet dating to just text. I think we get on great, I feel at ease with him and he's definitely as nice looking as his pictures suggested. We meet up again a few days later and again its great. We also have plans for this weekend so why instead of enjoying these flirty, early days am I sitting here in the grip of panic and anxiety? He's a busy guy but when he doesn't reply to a message I get so stressed out, If I see he's been online but hasn't Whats App'ed me I think he isn't interested. I feel constantly stressed out over this. This all leads back to being left while pregnant. Pre babies and Pre heartbreak I would love dating, the fun, the excitement and if it ended I would smile, say thanks and move on. Now I just feel anxious. I feel crap. I'm over analyzing. What if my messages annoy him? What if he thinks i'm ugly, boring etc. I'm scared our plans will fall through despite his promises to see me. I actually hate myself when i'm like this. Great, and now i'm ranting to myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm becoming a walking bloody cliche