So Here's My Rant :D

Ok, well a few years ago now I used to blog alot. Literally all the time. I found it such a good way to empty out my head but over time I found myself needing to blog less and less. By no means did my life become any easier, no way, I guess I just learnt to cope better but now i'm going through a stage in my life where I need to talk. I have friends I can talk to and I love them dearly but sometimes I feel like all I do is moan at them or I find myself sugar coating my latest worry as I don't want them to be concerned for me. So I guess that's what brings me to now. Sitting here on a Tuesday evening, holding back the tears, munching a huge bar of chocolate and trying to decide what I need to get off my chest first - I'll tell you a little about me before I start. I'm a single mum to 2 amazing little princesses. M is my feisty, clever 4 year old. She is a total mini me and she's the reason I grew up and kissed my party girl lifestyle goodbye. C is my uber cute 10 month old. She is just amazing. I look at her and my eyes fill with tears still. She's a gorgeous blonde, chubby bubba. I'm proud of them both, I wouldn't change them for the world but they have definitely put my life on hold for now. Before I had M I was out all the time. Drinking and dancing the night away with my equally wild friends and boyfriend. Career wise I didn't know what I wanted to do long term but my pub job suited my lifestyle at the time. I was paid to party really. Getting pregnant was a huge shock. I think I knew I was pregnant really early on but I couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge it until I was nearly 12 weeks gone. Those first few months were some of the worst of my life. My boyfriends reaction was to walk out of the door and never come back once he realised I was going through with having M. To say I didn't take him leaving me well is an understatement. I didn't think it was possible to hurt so bad. It took me a long long time to emotionally recover from that. I found being a mum came so natural once my 5lb 8oz princess arrived. I think I shocked everyone with how maternal I was. M and I plodded along quite happily together for the next few years. I had the odd relationship here and there but it was pretty much just me and my girl. Then along came S. He was a good friend, someone I had known for years. Out of the blue he announced that he had always 'liked' me. I was shocked, I mean i'd known this guy since I was 18 and I had no idea. I was flattered however and thought to myself, he's a nice guy, I enjoy his company so i'll give it a go. So we dated. It was nice. It was comfortable. But he never made my heart go mad or my tummy flip. However I decided to ignore all that, I thought maybe I would grow to be crazy about him.........It wasn't long before I was holding that positive test again. This time I thought it would be different. S loved me, he loved M. We could work. We would never be Romeo & Juliet but we had a good foundation to build on. You can imagine my shock when he walked out then. He was delighted when I told him I was pregnant. He couldn't stop going on about our baby, our future etc. So to this day I still don't know what happened. I definitely pin point that day as being the one when I lost that last bit of confidence. For a man to leave you while you're pregnant and oh so vulnerable is devastating. For it to happen a second time is soul destroying. To this day I find myself asking what must be wrong with me? Am I not good enough for anyone? Is my company not that good to keep? Am I boring, fat, ugly? Something must be wrong if neither of them wanted me. This way of thinking has ruined me. I have low self esteem, i'm anxious, clingy and to an extent, needy. Now all this leads me nicely into what has been bothering me today - Dating and The Single (zero confidence) Mum - So meeting men as a single mum is near on impossible. I don't really go out on nights out anymore but when I do i'm out to have fun, not chat to drunken men. I dislike men that approach me when i'm with my babies, Nothing worse than being in Asda admiring the fruit and veg when a sweaty man leers at you and tells you you're hot in front of your 4 year old who now wants to know who that man is and why did he say you're hot? So these little facts led me to the world of internet dating. I figured in this day and age it's a perfectly acceptable thing to do. People haven't the time to be going out and meeting others but sending a message and a flirty wink takes 2 seconds. So I created a profile on plentyoffish.com. I wasn't fake at all. I was a 100% honest about my situation and uploaded a couple of recent, normal pictures of myself. I was quite surprised by the big response I got. I was genuinely flattered as I look in the mirror each day and want to cry in all honesty. Most of the responses however did nothing for me. They were either a very dull, 'hi how are you' or a more direct 'you're fit, fancy a fcuk' There were a few decent replies so I got into conversation with them. The one i'm going to tell you about is S. I can't even remember now what he messaged me but he obviously got my attention. We messaged back and forth an swapped numbers and then spent the next few days Whats App'ing. Then he went quiet. So I went quiet too. That was that but randomly over a week ago I thought oh I wonder how S is. I'll message him. So I did and the conversation starts up again with ease. He's funny, intelligent and nice looking so when he suggests popping over I decide to go for it. I didn't start internet dating to just text. I think we get on great, I feel at ease with him and he's definitely as nice looking as his pictures suggested. We meet up again a few days later and again its great. We also have plans for this weekend so why instead of enjoying these flirty, early days am I sitting here in the grip of panic and anxiety? He's a busy guy but when he doesn't reply to a message I get so stressed out, If I see he's been online but hasn't Whats App'ed me I think he isn't interested. I feel constantly stressed out over this. This all leads back to being left while pregnant. Pre babies and Pre heartbreak I would love dating, the fun, the excitement and if it ended I would smile, say thanks and move on. Now I just feel anxious. I feel crap. I'm over analyzing. What if my messages annoy him? What if he thinks i'm ugly, boring etc. I'm scared our plans will fall through despite his promises to see me. I actually hate myself when i'm like this. Great, and now i'm ranting to myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm becoming a walking bloody cliche